Every night as I try to fall asleep it hits me. Even on the nights where I fall asleep immediately, it follows me into my dreams. One day, the physical form of me and all of the people around me that I love will cease to exist. I have worked very hard over the last three years using meditation as my main tool to help me organize and understand my thoughts in a healthy way. Still, this feeling can hit me and wipe me out at any moment. I know that I do my best to live for every moment and to stay present and aware. I know that when my time comes, I will not have any regrets because I know that I will be able to look back and be proud. I am happy with the person I am and the legacy that I will leave on the world. A part of me knows that all of this should be enough. Selfishly though, I don’t want it to ever end. I don’t want to not have the control. That lack of control eats at me and hits my chest like a ton of bricks. It hollows out my throat and takes me out of my body. There is no escaping it. There is only acceptance. Acceptance of the Reality of Mortality. I love my life and the people around me so much. I know that the kind of love I’ve been fortunate enough to find never truly dies. I know that by being aware and present in the moment that I am allowing myself to fully experience and enjoy everything that this world has to offer. It doesn’t make the idea of the Reality of Mortality any less cumbersome and in fact it feels at times like it intensifies the fear. The fear of the unknown. The fear of the loss of the opportunity to live in the future moments.
Acceptance. Only acceptance can get you through it. Acceptance of the fear, acceptance of the reality that every moment can be your last. You can’t let the fear get in the way of your ability to be present for every minute of every day for the rest of the time you have here. Pushing these thoughts and feelings away only serves to heighten the intensity at which they will return. I have learned first hand that this is how anxiety works.
Those who believe in some sort of organized religion have those beliefs to fall back on. The belief that there is something even greater waiting for them when their time here has expired. To be honest with you, I don’t know what I believe. What I am sure of is that I am incredibly grateful for everything I have in this life and I’m determined to find acceptance with the Reality of Mortality and do my best to continue to be mindful and appreciative of every moment.